so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
