I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
