your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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