I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
