why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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