i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
