bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
