All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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