If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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