filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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