remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
