It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
