I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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