so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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