The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have feelings that need drinking.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
