I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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