he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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