fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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