the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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