I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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