I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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