i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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