Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize