I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
