On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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