I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
