mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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