i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
