you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
