sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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