I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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