ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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