dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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