he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i came on her dog
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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