Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
