I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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