I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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