I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
