pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
