What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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