If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
meet me or not, i'm out of control
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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