I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
