the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
