Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Randomize
