I wish I could teleport
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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