i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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