I could make wine with my vomit
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
