i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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