i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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