it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
