I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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