I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I smell like Dick and happiness
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
