I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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