I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
