it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
