I'm really into asian looking animals
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize