i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
