remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
