I wish I could punch you in the face.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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