How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
