Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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