Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
