You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
