Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
