I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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